Free but Not Free – The Battle with Myself

It’s currently 12:53 AM. A few weeks ago, I was going to sleep with my toddler and waking up at 3 to go and study at Waffle House. This week I find myself staying up until midnight searching for something. What exactly that something is, I’m not sure.

Answers? Questions? Silence? Rest?

At this point, I’m convinced that a healthy sleep schedule is an illusion pushed by Big Sleep to sell Melatonin, something I promise was just discovered less than a year ago by parents on Facebook.

Regardless, here I am. Is it the care for all of the churches? The care for my congregation? My sick toddler which has let me have too many naps? Or all of the above?

But there’s also this itch that I have something to say but I can’t put into words. For example, I said “I promise” not “I swear” because of a verse taken out of context.

Or it could be that my use of “I promise” over “I swear” is related to a larger problem that was subconscious but is now glaringly obvious: I’m not as free as I pretend to be.

The liberty and grace in Jesus that I offer to others is not a luxury I give myself. “Ask any question,” I say. “Vent to me. No judgement here; I promise.” And I mean it. I truly do. But I find it incredibly difficult to say that while looking in the mirror. I find it almost impossible to afford myself the same privilege. It’s not about a paycheck. I know that much about myself based on my past actions. So, what is it?

Perhaps that’s what’s keeping me up at night and waking me up in the mornings. Perhaps that is the answer, and the solution, for which I am searching.

It has to do with my preference of “promise” over “swear” even though they are both the same thing in the way I am using them. The main difference is the choice of the KJV translators. Which is a bit interesting because I have not used the KJV as my main Bible since I studied the Olivet Discourse (Matthew 24:3 – age vs world) seven years ago.

It has to do with my inability to raise my hands or clap during a song. Which is again peculiar because I shouldn’t, and don’t, worry about that anymore.

So what is it?

There is a voice inside my head that is fighting with my conscience. My heart is battling my mind. But it isn’t even my mind really, just part of it. Because rationally, logically, biblically, and even “legalistically” I’m comfortable where I am. The part of my brain that needs answers is satisfied most days with where I’m at, and the part of my brain, call it my heart, is ecstatic over where my journey has taken me. But it’s like there is a governor that doesn’t allow me to fully enjoy the grace I know on every level is available to me.

It’s not a question of beliefs, or arguments, or positions or something like that. There’s something deep, maybe psychological, that makes it hard to trust. Trust God? Trust grace? Trust love? Trust freedom? Is it real? Of course it’s real. Of course God is that good and even better than I think. Of course love casts out fear. Of course Jesus calls us to freedom. So why do I feel afraid some days? Why do I feel like I’m in bondage? Why do I feel like 201X Daniel is standing over my shoulder checking in on me?

Why is it that I can offer everyone else freedom but can’t take that step of, I don’t know, faith(?) myself?

There aren’t any answers right now. And that might be frustrating for you, the reader. But I thought that this was important to write so that when you have these moments, you won’t feel alone like I sometimes do. Generally, I’m happy. Like, things are going really well for us! But there’s something deep inside that found its way into my conscience mind tonight that I felt that I needed to address. I know what depression feels like for myself. I’ve been diagnosed with it before, but what I’m feeling now is more like a glitch or a bug, something that is a symptom of some unresolved tension that needs to be worked through.

Perhaps this battle doesn’t need to be fought with words on a page. Perhaps it needs to be fought on my behalf with a good dose of silence. Perhaps it’s time for me to take my finger off the button on the walkie talkie and let God have a turn!

Hope y’all have a good night/ morning! If I get the chance, I may go live over the next few days with O.B. and Dallas!